I loved him, I loved him for as long as I can remember. If anything I don’t remember not loving him. Well maybe the 1st time we met. That was the day I realized I strongly liked him. All the conversations we’d had before. The late night calls and texts. And he was actually easy on the eye too. And he could definitely handle me, we know that. From the great debates to the stillest and quietest moments, this man was made for me. Well, I think he was. I can never really know.

I wanted to be his, to find a sense of belonging and a shoulder to lean on, cause he had the perfect shoulders. But my heart wasn’t ready, my mind either. I kept thinking about him, no, not this him, the other him. The him that broke my heart in pieces and did not even have the decency to look me in the eye whilst he did it. I’m not sure if I’m over him. I hope I am. But just yesterday I saw his face again. I hate seeing his face, he has a beautiful face. But I hate what his face stands for, what it reminds me of. It’s been years but even his name still haunts me. Whenever someone mentions it I feel like it’s a taboo.

Everyone says that you should fall in love with your best friend, but no one mentions that when it doesn’t work out, you don’t only lose your boyfriend, but your friend too. Like a double loss. Cause the one person who actually gets you so well is the one that broke you, so you have no one to tell what you’re going through.

My heart still aches, cause not only did I lose him as a friend and lover, but he took away my family and community. See how it is after a divorce, and one takes the house and you take the car, well, I feel like he took the children and gave me the dog. See I love the dog, but what about the kids? They’re my flesh and blood too. They’re mine and I love them, dearly too… With my everything.

I wish people spoke more about the reality of the loss of sanity too. 5 stages of grief, more like 25 stages of crying myself to sleep and having everything remind me of him. I could be buying sanitary pads and thought of how he always got me chocolate during my monthlies. And well, at least I could hide behind hormones. But I got so tired, I just had to stop for the fear of going crazy. Or didn’t I actually lose it at some point? I lost my mind. I lost and gained weight, I slept in instead of going to work and didn’t eat for days too. I really don’t want to talk about my heart, for the fear of wounding myself again in the process.

Someone told me I had to be alone for double the amount of time I was with him so that I could get over him. Doesn’t work!!! I want my money back! It’s been 8 times longer and I wish I could say my heart has been healed but I have wounds that haven’t healed and scars to show for those that have.

And so I took that advice, coz it had only been about 3 months since we’d broken up and didn’t date the man with the perfect shoulders and smile by the way, but he had perfect teeth. Maybe he would have been the shoulder to lean on and help mend my broken heart. All I can do now is just imagine as he flaunts his baby Mama on my Facebook wall and I’m still here, alone, licking my wounds with no shoulders and well, the dog died a few months ago.

Namandla Mpunganyi

BLOGGER

Nana is a biotechnology, blogger, singer, preacher, motivational speaker and an MC. You can find her work on nanampungz@wordpress.com