I want to so bad, I  want to love with all i have I promise that I do. I want to give what I gave to another for you to drown in but instead I am drowning in fear.  I step out and before I know it I am being tugged back by my past. Pangs of what could have been won’t let me  be. I am reminded that once upon a time I stepped out and I came back wounded. I came back with clothing soaked in tears. I came back with a tormented soul and a confused mind.

He said he would respect and my wishes. His sweet tongue had me head over something that I can not even explain. I gave off my time and love, no sacrifice was too big. It took a day for him to forget his promise because what he needed was that 10sec pleasure moment that I could not offer him. So I had to turn around and leave. What he left in me was a wound, I let it heal but the scar never left.

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He said distance was nothing because he loved me so. I believed him and I trusted him.My family warned me but I thought they were filled with jealousy, go ahead enjoy that hennessy. It wasn’t long before reality smacked me out of my fairy tale. He had another and I was just that other tale. Again I left. What he left in me was a wound, I let it heal but the scar never left.

He said I was that blessing he had been eyeing for a while now. He would not do me wrong,wow. He knew I loved to communicate and for a while he lived up to my needs then he turned around and it all changed. Even in person it was a mystery, lengthy phone calls answered outside yet I had visited. I tried to hold on but I was unwanted. A blessing turned into a curse. What he left in me was a wound, I let it heal but the scar never left.

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He said he would marry me.Said nothing could ever have him question me or my love. It was perfect, perfect until a religion difference came in the picture. I became the one who was not ready to submit yet I had been for so long, short lived rapture. I was devastated but had to once again walk away. What he left in me was a wound, I let it heal but the scar never left.

He said I was better than his last. I was the perfect mother for his daughter. I stood in and never turned away. Then the fake promises came along. The statements that never added up, oh God for how long. Lonely and hurt I had to find my way out once again. What he left in me was a wound, I let it heal but the scar never left.

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Today I have healed wounds and scars all over my heart. Scars that carry every memory of the amount of hurt and pain i went through each time. Now I am just human, please. There is no form of magic that I can perform to free myself from the memories. I have walked tall for so long I am just at a point  were I can not anymore.I am just a human,please. I have laughed through the stories so nobody sees how weak I really am yet truth is I am. I cry in my bed when the lights are off, hiding from the snares of this world. I am just human, please. I have been told that there is better to come for me but I probably will miss it because I just can not anymore. I can not just jump into trusting anyone with my heart because its a scar away from collapsing. I am just human,please. Stop telling me to walk out of fear because with all due respect when i felt this pain I was alone. When I was betrayed I was alone. When I was made to feel as though I was worth nothing more than just 10secs I was alone and I can not just forget it. I am just human. please. So allow me to run away from loving.Allow me to hold back and give just a fraction of what I can. Allow me to question ones motives before I let them in completely. I have every right to guard my heart with all I have. I have every right to jump when I see something I don’t like. I am just human, please. So let me put in a song or a blog because I have held it in for so long its taking me under. Let me forget being a lady of strength and composure and rage just this once because I will  have you know that composure has left me decomposed in ways you can not begin to imagine.A smile means not that I have it all together, I am a moving suicide bomb ready to blow. So believe me when I say  I am just human, please.

You may call it mean but I call it self-love.You may call me whatever but I wont fall into your traps of words just to satisfy you because when I burn I burn alone. I am scorched by the fires and all you can do is put out the fire. Again I heal the wounds and carry the scars. These ugly scars of hurt and pain emanated from what I thought was love yet it was just lust. Pardon me for being human but need I remind you I was born to be human.

I feel like I have wires holding me down. Like I can not set myself free from the pain, I have been fighting for so long I just can’t anymore. I have been everybody’s strength and my own at the same time, this load is too heavy please, please carry yours. Carry yours until I figure out what to do with mine because mine has left me with internal injuries.I bleed from within and I only have enough time to mop up your blood,mine is ever flowing. Flowing to regions in my body I never knew could feel anger. Flowing to parts in my body I never knew could respond to rage. Soon I believe it will leak from my ears because my eyes have leaked enough. I am just human,please.

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I want to love but I am all loved out, all I have are healed wounds and scars that will last forever.