So now l was a single mom, l had to work for my baby. It was not easy at all l was still going through a lot of emotions and l was so lonely. I never really had friends and family around me. So l started sharing a place with one lady and worked in a restaurant l didn’t have time to myself or time for hanging out, l was always working double shifts. This lady was also working at a sports club, the hours and the money was much better there, so she helped me get a job there. I used to work part-time and when there were functions but I was not complaining because the money was good.
So this is where l met my first Love. 😍
One day, while l was at work l, met this tall dark handsome man. He had the most beautiful smile, he was just ever smiling. I think this was the first time l was actually attracted to a man. I had never felt this way about someone before, but of course, l never thought anything of it. As time went by l used to see this man more and more we ended up becoming friends. He was actually a sportsman so l ended up having some sessions with him for fun and keeping fit. Little did l know that this man actually liked me too.
I remember the lady l worked with saying to me, “remember you are here to work not to flirt.”
But at the time l could only listen to my heart and not my mind. My heart just wanted this man. The more time we spent together the closer we got. All l know is that we were in a relationship in the end and l don’t even know how it started. We saw each other every day, spent most of our time together. I felt like this was the best thing ever. I shut out everything l had gone through and tried to forget about it and focused on being happy with the new person in my life. It felt right because it wasn’t forced and l was actually attracted to him.
Time went by and l was still very happy. So we moved in together. We had a lot of sex, but remember l didn’t even know how sex is actually supposed to be. So at the time, all was good. Once we moved in, things began to change. I think men relax once they think you are their property l thought to myself.
l was no longer working so l would be at home. Sometimes l would do part-time work. So he began to spend more time with his friends, they would go out clubbing and out to strip clubs. At times he would not even come back home. I was not enjoying it anymore. If l ask him he would tell me that his friends have been with him his entire life and they come first, he would also tell me to get my own friends. This hurt my feelings because l thought he was my best friend.
l was now living with someone but l felt so alone at the same time. I had so many sleepless nights, at times he would go away for 3days. We used to fight a lot. I was just alone. I still didn’t have anyone to really talk to. Most of the time l was with his friend’s girlfriend as well, they would leave us alone and go for days. So the days he would leave me alone l began watching porn. As l was watching porn l started learning more about sex. I remember masturbating one day and l actually had an orgasm.
Sometimes when we had sex l would not even enjoy it at all, l would wait for him to fall asleep and masturbate. I couldn’t talk to him about sex because it had never been an issue before, but now l knew what an orgasm was and l never got that from him though I always thought that things would change and be better. Some days were good but most days I was alone. We lived together for 5years before we had a child we actually used protection for the whole 5years.
There’s a time l went away to visit his family for about a month. When l went back that’s when l got pregnant with my first daughter. He was there for me and was supportive l think he was really looking forward to being a dad. He was very excited. For a while, he didn’t go out too much as he did before. So l thought this would be the beginning of a better chapter. So all was good until the baby arrived.
He just went back to being a party animal after l had the baby. He went out every weekend with his friends. I remember one specific time that really hurt my feelings. His mom had actually visited us, and he left me with his mom at home and he went and had a big birthday party with his friends. Meaning he actually celebrated his birthday at his friend’s house and l was not even invited though we lived together in the same house. I found out from photos on Facebook and l was so hurt. I remember feeling useless and worthless and unwanted. So l decided to pull myself together and start being independent.
I remember one point l had only 1 pair of shoes, had a bad hair day every day. I had no proper clothes to wear. I felt like I was just a useless woman who would be left at home to do the dishes, cook and clean. A maid. I was so fed up. I looked like shit, excuse my language, I can’t explain it better. So l started looking for work. We used to live in a complex and l started cleaning people’s apartments. The same apartment as the one l lived in. It was so embarrassing but l had no choice. So l humbled myself and cleaned people’s houses, l worked with my daughter on my back. It was one of the most difficult times of my life. I cleaned for people who paid the same rent as we did. That’s when l realized l was not happy at all. I needed to leave and be my own person.
I continued working, l remember one day he criticized me for cleaning people’s houses and he was ashamed of me, but l never stopped. I actually ended up having a stable income and l just kept going and had more and more people to work for. One of the people then offered me a job at their office and l agreed to it. So as time went by we grew more and more apart. He would still party, go out for days and be chatting on his phone with his girlfriends but l didn’t even care what he did anymore. I was done and I knew that I had to take care of myself first.
He began to notice that l didn’t care anymore about whatever he did. Even if he came home at 3 am l would open the door with a smile on my face. I had grown out of love. I didn’t even give a fuck if he would go away for the whole year. I didn’t even want to have sex with him anymore because l never enjoyed it, l never got an orgasm ever. So at that time l was not even going to pretend anymore l was just at the edge. He started changing and not going out anymore being home and trying to be good. But it was too late.
I was out of love, by then we no longer shared a room. I remember l slept in the bedroom with the kids and he slept in the lounge. I could see the way he looked at me his eyes were full of lust but at the time l was no longer in love with him. So l told him the truth. I told him l didn’t love him anymore and l told him l never enjoyed sex. I could see the hurt in his eyes but l couldn’t change my feelings. So l decided to move out and move on. Another 7 years of my life was GONE!!!
Ladies, a man that loves you will never treat you like this. He will pull through and be there for you. He will celebrate important, small and big milestones with you because you are partners. That’s what it should be when you are with someone, a partnership. Do not stay and wait for change, time flies. Its either he is for you or not. Plain and simple.