‘Are you single or in a relationship?’

‘I don’t feel taken so let’s leave it at that,’ I said.

X started throwing little kind gestures, I saw them but I didn’t acknowledge them. I did not care for them at all. To me, it was a way of trying to keep me around. It didn’t feel like anything done straight from the heart. It felt like an act that came about because I had spoken out. He would help more around the house. Stopped waking me up to cook too. Yaaaaya!

One Saturday, I had saved up a few coins by God’s grace so I went makeup & toiletry shopping! With him right next to me of course, who gets to breathe, not Nobuhle. I was super excited to try out the makeup because I have never really been a full makeup typa gyal. I always made sure my eyebrows and lips were done and that was it.

I got home, I tried it out and ay I was not so bad at this, thanks to YouTube videos of course. So Sunday would be the official, show the world what you got day. I woke up earlier than usual, dressed up then started on my makeup. Can you imagine that this was a highlight for me, I felt the way we felt as children when we got new underwear and needed the world to know. Yep.

So when I shopped I also bought this amazing purple lip color. I loved it so much. I wore it that day and I absolutely loved the way it looked on me.

‘Uuuhhhmm, ok.’

‘What is it?’

‘I don’t know, but that purple, no.’

I looked in the mirror, I saw nothing wrong but he was still talking about how it was a no on me. It didn’t work on me. It was ugly on me. I grabbed tissue and wiped it all off but I wasn’t in that room anymore. I was far gone into a place of darkness all over again. That’s when I knew I didn’t belong to me anymore.

I was silent the entire walk to church. I got into the church I sat down, the choir was singing and all I did was cry. At this point the makeup didn’t matter, I needed to cry. I tried to cover up buy Sandra* could tell this had nothing to do with the holy spirit. I kept telling her I was fine whilst fighting my tears.

‘X, what’s wrong with Tasha (she likes calling me that). I can tell she isn’t ok.’

‘We argued about lip color. She wanted to wear it and I thought it was not working. She got upset.’

First of all, you got what you wanted by tearing down my confidence this very morning. Now you are airing that to Sandra just like that!? Now I was just there thoroughly pissed! How dare he?

‘So that’s what we do now? We just tell people the shit that happens only when it looks like you are not in the wrong? Is Sandra our go-to now?’

‘I don’t know why I did that. I am sorry.’