The regret was not for choosing him, it was for choosing to follow my talent, the choice I made to be myself seemed to have begun to turn on me. Thought’s of the times I had to the opportunity to cave in and just do what my parents wanted me to be started to haunt me.
” I should have listened, maybe I would have a job right now. Your skills aren’t enough, look at you now. You can barely take care of yourself, now you are the joke. A clown before all.”
I got depressed, heavily depressed. I hated that I had moved from being independent to being dependent, it broke my heart every day that for something as small but important as sanitary wear I had to ask someone. I had known independence for a long time and now it felt like I was a beggar.
Don’t get me wrong it was not because X made me feel that way, oh no, he always said, ‘I know how life works, things are good for me now and tomorrow it could be a different story.’
In as much as he said that I always felt like I was begging. Then a little light shined and Tumirai.com came along. Finally, an opportunity for me to make money from home. I was mad excited, it picked up very well and the coins were coming in. Then a great twist came along.
X’s boss started to change rules and he was not paying them on time. So the very money that had been said to be mine and mine alone became the, “let’s use that then I will pay you back when the boss comes through,” money. What that meant ladies and gentlemen was, it wouldn’t come back. So, a black cloud covered my little light.
Bitterness seeped into my blood, slowly, by the day. Right about that time X and I started to drift. I felt it happen, I did. I felt cold towards everything, his supportive words sounded the same every single day. Matter of fact they were so I stopped talking to him about my hurt, my depression, my dark thoughts. I couldn’t deal with the idea of being told, ‘your time will come.’
I slept less and it started to show. I cried until I could not cry anymore, I just lay there, staring into the dark praying for sleep. I prayed for a night of deep sleep. It would only find me in the am but I would be up in a few hours, back to my reality.
Have you ever woken up with a heaviness that you can not explain? I wanted to scream and punch things, that time I suck at punching anything. I wished I could run straight into the darkness and never come out because it felt pointless to be alive. Did I even have a purpose?